If EMS Had Our Own Fortune Cookies

This is what the fortune might look like. Other fortunes:

• You will lose important papers soon. (Don't let that DNR form out of your sight)



• It might be that your sole purpose in life is to be a bad example to others.



• You are cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.



• You're not anti-social.  You're just not a people person.



• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.



• Your patients put the 'fun' in dysfunctional.



• Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.



• It's hard to kill the stupid.  For some reason they're tougher than others.



• It's only funny until somebody loses an eye.  Then, it's "My eye! My eye!"



• My parents told me I could be anything.  So I became an asshole.



• The circus wouldn't hire me, so I became a Paramedic.



• Try to see things from your patients' point of view. Good luck getting your head back out of your ass.



• There's no sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work, anyway.



• If I got smart with you, how would you know?



• I used to care, but now I take pills for that.



• Sarcasm - Just one more service I offer.



• Your patient's village called.  Their idiot is missing.



• If you do it right the first time, nobody can appreciate how difficult it was.



• You will attract uncultured people to your ambulance.



• You can't fall off the floor.



• Assume all dispatchers are idiots until they prove you right.



• Your sense of humor will be sorely tried by the 3 a.m. drunk.



• If you drop the baby, pick it back up or fake a seizure.



• Lift with your legs, not your back.



• Shock me once, shame on you. Shock me again, I'm kicking  your ass.



• All bleeding eventually stops.



• Sleep is highly overrated.



• Beware the one who utters the "Q" word, for he shall suffer the wrath of a vengeful ED nurse.



• Everybody is related in a small town.



• EMS = Earn Money Sleeping



• Reality is for those who can't handle drugs.



• I must be having vision problems, because I don't see that happening.



• You just can't cure stupid.



• Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're diabetic, and then insulin or dextrose is your best bet.



• BLS watch patient's die. ALS is actively involved.



• 75% of assault victims deserved it.



• If it feels good to say it, it's probably wrong.



• Patients that crash in separate vehicles should be transported in separate vehicles.



• Sometimes it's better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.



• It only hurts until the pain goes away.



• When uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. Then call 9-1-1.



• There's no such thing as a bad call. However, there ARE calls that don't fit into the protocol, and don't go the way you plan.



• Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean that your supervisor isn't hiding just around the corner.



• The patient always expands on his medical history and medications list with each upgrade in care providers.



• 9-1-1: The governments answer to Dial-A-Prayer.



• Shock them into Asystole, then treat them chemically.



• Never turn your back on a Proctologist.



• Never bring your ambulance to a gun fight until it's all over.

And one of my favorite non-EMS fortunes...

Got any of your own?  Let me know!