Young Erstwhile Paramedic (having just been dispatched to an "Urban Camper" who the cops were trying to remove from the lawn of a motel): Good afternoon, Sir.  I am a young erstwhile paramedic, who has been called to assist you.  How may I be of assistance?

Drunk Urban Camper: I been shittin' blood for two days!

YEP:  Ah, I see.  Here, let me help you into the ambulance.

<Stagger, stagger, stagger> 

<Cops sprint towards their cars & engage warp drive>

YEP:  So, you say you have had bloody stools for several days?

DUC:  No, I been shitting blood!

YEP:  Ah, and what color was this blood?

DUC:  <blink, blink>

YEP:  Sir?  What color was the blood?

DUC:  What blood?

YEP:  Why the blood in your stool, sir.  What color was it?

DUC:  I don't have a damn stool.  No!  I been shitting blood.  For two days! 

YEP:  Yes, sir.  You said that.  I am simply inquiring as to the nature of the hemorrhage.  Was the blood dark red or bright red?

DUC:  Hell, I don't know!

YEP:  Well, sir - how do you know that you were bleeding?

DUC:  Cuz I seen it!

YEP:  Ah!  And when you observed it, what color was the blood?  Was it dark red or bright red?

DUC:  Uhh.... <grimaces> dark red?

YEP:  Aha.  And have you seen your primary care provider for this problem that started two days ago?  Have you presented yourself to the primary health service for half the damn county Emergency Room for care?

DUC:  <blink> huh?

YEP:  Have you told your doctor about this?   Did you go to the ER?

DUC:  Nope.

YEP:  And why not, pray tell?

DUC:  I been busy.

YEP:  Busy, sir?  Busy doing what?  (You're an urban camper - you don't do anything)

DUC:  Hangin' out.

YEP:  <starting to mumble to self - Nursing those 40's all day, no doubt.>  Well, sir, let's head off towards the hospital and get this problem nipped in the bud, so to speak.  Let's see - do you take any medications?

DUC:  <blink & blank stare>

YEP:  Are there any medicines you are supposed to be taking?

DUC:  Oh!  Yeah - blood thinners.

YEP:  Wonderful - and why are you supposed to take those?

DUC:  To thin my blood (here's your sign)

YEP:  Right-O and touche', sir.  Have you had a heart attack or stroke?

DUC:  Yup.  On the nose!

YEP:  Er - which one sir?

DUC:  Oh - heart attack.

YEP:  OK, then.  Let's get your shirt off.  Do you have any other medical problems?

DUC:  <grimace> Huh?

YEP:  Problems with your heart/lungs/seizures/diabetes/stroke/etc?  <forgetting to include infectious diseases>

DUC:  Nope.

YEP:  You've been smoking for over 40 years.  Are you sure you don't have any lung disorders?

DUC:  <confused look>  What?

YEP:  Any COPD?  Bronchitis?  Emphysema?  Asthma?

DUC:  <triumphantly>  Yeah!  Emphysema!  How'd you know that?

YEP:  Living good & paying attention in school, sir.  Let's get that IV going - get you some fluids!

YEP:  Say, your veins are kinda funky...

DUC: Yup - used 'em all up when I was doing drugs.

YEP:  Yes, I see.  Any chance you could have Hepatitis?

DUC:  Why yes, yes I do.

YEP:  <only now becoming somewhat frustrated>  And this just slipped your mind when I asked you about your medical history...  Shoulda known better.

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